Getting Back Together Step 1

Your Search For A Way To Make-up Is Over!

It’s not surprising that after a breakup more than 55% of people say thinking about their ex stops them finding a new relationship. In fact, a massive 81% of people say that they think about their ex “too much”. Clearly, getting over an ex isn’t as easy as you might hope… especially if you want her or him back!

How To Get Your Ex Back

Maybe that’s why so many relationship gurus suggest 30 days of no contact with your ex-partner after the break-up. (That includes any form of contact including not peeking at Facebook!) The idea of no contact is to allow the emotions you feel after a breakup – anger, fear, hatred, rage, grief – to soften a little bit. And furthermore, if your ex has any loving feelings for you,  this will give them time to reflect on what’s been lost.

How To Get Your Ex Back – Step by Step

First things first. You need to find out why you broke up, and what led to the end of your relationship? You may already know, especially if you’re the one who ended it. But even then it may not be completely clear to you what was going on at a deeper level. Clearly if you respected each other and felt you were right for each other, you’d still be together. So what, exactly, was it that drove you apart? (Cue: you need to think about this!) If it was simply your behavior, or your ex’s behavior, within the relationship, good news! Because that’s something which can be changed….. provided you believe the relationship really was good enough to justify getting back together with your ex! And that’s the issue – how do you decide if your ex is really the person you want back in your life? Or should you start again and find somebody else?

If They Broke Up With You

Well, if she or he broke up with you, why? Was it you nagging, being bitchy, critical, finding fault, or being too needy and desperate for attention? I’m sure you can see that whatever the cause, there’s clearly something here you you need to work on. Maybe you need to find more emotional strength and higher self-esteem so you’re not dependent on the presence of your ex in a relationship with you to feel good about yourself.

If You Broke Up With Him or Her

Of course if you broke the relationship up, then you have to consider that your ex might not want to change, and they might not even be feeling the same way about getting back together as you do. To get your ex back may mean a considerable amount of effort to convince them that you really are the right person.

So it’s possible that your ex was beginning to discover he or she wasn’t attracted to you any more. It’s a fact that when a couple settles into a stable relationship, the excitement can go out of it. So one of the things you can do is make a really powerful impact on your ex. In short, set out to make your ex realize that you’re the best person they could possibly be with…  

It’s also possible that your ex was getting bored with you, because this is another thing that can happen in a long-term relationship. A couple become lazy. They stop paying those little compliments to each other. They stop asking about the details of each other’s lives… and basically the relationship is on a downhill path from there. But it isn’t so difficult to genuinely be interested in your partner. Of course that’s a choice you have to decide to make. Or maybe you thought that things could be better. Maybe there was a terrible fight and that was the end of it. Maybe he / she cheated on you.  These are all pretty powerful reasons for ending a relationship, so you have absolutely have to be clear about why you want to get your ex back.

But, regardless of what happened before, it is often possible to change the way your relationship operates, and to enjoy a fresh new relationship with the same person. However, both of you need to be committed to making it work. I need hardly say, I’m sure, that if you think your whole life revolves around your ex and you’ll never find anyone better, or you’re miserable and isolated on your own, or it’ll simply be different next time, that you really haven’t got much of a basis for rebuilding your relationship. On the other hand, you may have made a rash decision to break up. Maybe you broke up because you had a big fight, and you’re basically quite happy together apart from the occasional argument. Then you do have a foundation for the future.

First Contact With Your Ex

Sooner or later you’re actually going to want to make contact with your ex. This is a very exciting step because it represents the start of a new relationship, and you need good advice about how to do it. For example, you might want to text, you might want to call, or you might want to write a letter. How to decide? It’s simple. You send a series of text messages. Yes, text messages! 

You start with neutral messages which simply express interest and concern for the well-being of your ex, gradually building on the foundations you have laid until you are sending messages specifically designed to build intimacy and prepare for a meeting. Aside from that, letters are a romantic thing, if you have the time and skill to write them well. As for calling on the phone? A bit risky, really, because this is an approach which can cause you to panic.  However you make contact, it’s important to understand that if you’re going to get your ex back successfully, you need a plan to do it.

And, if you look around the Internet, you’ll find all kinds of clever, clever schemes designed to persuade people that some guru or other has the secret of eternal love and romance between ex-boyfriend and ex-girlfriend. You know, it really irks me when I read pages and pages of websites about what you “should” do to control the conversation when you meet with your ex. Being in control is the wrong mindset entirely.

You really want to go into a meeting with your ex with an open heart and a willingness to listen to what s/he has to say, without judging,  criticizing pr blaming. An openhearted attitude where you can just sit back and listen, before you express your own desires and wishes, is honest, simple and straightforward. That way you can be much more accepting and loving towards your ex. And you won’t be triggered into anger, fear, sadness or any other strong emotion by the things s/he does or says.

Do some emotional work (like shadow work) before you try again

Why might you try some kind of emotional healing work – shadow work is often good for this? Well, if you go back into your relationship with the same mindset that you took into it in the first place, the outcome is probably going to be the same this time. That means another breakup. Would you really want to go through this again?

You need to avoid focusing on mutual blame, or the “could have done this” or the “could have done that”, or the “should have done this” or the “should have done that”. And that can only be done by a supreme effort of will or a series of powerful sessions of emotional healing work.

Shadow healing work after a break up

Final Words

Be affectionate and loving, openhearted and honest, towards your ex. The best thing you can do this is to speak from your heart about how you’re feeling and what you want.  When you meet up with your ex, in your attempt to get back together with him, make it casual and informal. Keep the conversation light, and the emotions low-key, because you simply want to make a real connection with your ex. That’s the key thing at this stage if you’re trying to get him back.

It will become clear to you pretty quickly if you’re with the right person. And, also, whether or not you can really hope to get your ex back and have a good relationship in the future.